Monday, October 18, 2010

Fist Pumping Like A Writer

I thought I'd throw a post up there for the hundreds of readers that have visited us. Since Brendan and I are now internationally renowned writers (holla to the three peeps in Singapore who checked us out) I thought it would be the responsible thing to do to address some of the ongoing Jersey Shore developments before the two hour (!) Season 2 finale this week.

Firstly, Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino was on Dancing with the Stars and was unfortunately eliminated last week. Which is particularly surprising given this:
There's nothing like flashing your abs ten times next to a Russian immigrant who's only there for her Visa. He was voted off (according to my Mom) when his Argentine Tango failed to impress the judges. This was due to a neck injury he sustained while trying to lift up the anorexic Stalinist. SO UNFAIR! The Situation doesn't life you! YOU LIFT THE SITUATION. Gawd, it's like people like wanna like hate him because he's like a celebrity.

In the tradition of the Bronte sisters, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolfe and Madonna Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is currently writing her first novel entitled A Shore Thing.  (which is better than the name I would have given it Yes I’m Shore-ious. And Don’t Call Me Shore-ly ) Yes, the kind people at Simon & Shuster have agreed to publish what will enviably give Lauren Conrad's L.A. Candy a run for its money at the Man Booker Prize. (yes, I realize the Man Booker is for U.K. books only, but these two writers transcend the barriers of geography. Deal.) The novel will deal with a girl looking for love at the Jersey Shore and to quote Ms. Polizzi "I'm pumped to announce to my fans a project I've been working on for some time. This book will have you falling in love at the Shore." I love that they're already having her statements ghost-written.If anyone cares to know, in the past Snooki has claimed to have only read two books in her life Dear John and Twilight. I mention this not to be judgmental. I have never read Moby Dick. Does that mean I can't write a blog that is read internationally? That was a rhetorical question. In fairness, Snooki has written an awful lot which you can find here:

Which holds such gems as:

"Aw shit, Vampire Diaries just mentioned Jersey Shore in the scene. Thanks vampire bitches :)"
"Morning everyone! My babe cooked me breakfast! :) how adorable"
"Wheww Chile we finally got our miners out!! I think this calls for #fistpumps via house music!!"

If you haven't ripped your eyes from your sockets yet stay tuned for Round 2 of Alex and Brendan's Jersey Shore-A-Thon coming soon.

In Solidarity

A & B

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"If the horse is dead, than you gotta leave it alone."

I have booted Brendan off this post a) because he had a "creative writing emergency" and b) because there's a lot of douchtastic fuckery by men in this episode and why let B-Rad have all the fun?

So... Les Boys.

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie. Why do you cause so much pain in the house to the girl who clearly has no back-bone? I know I've mentioned this before, but seriously. Take every fight you'd ever had with a significant other, multiply it by all the trashiness you can think of, and then divide that by total idiocy, and you've got an argument between Ron and Sam. Sammi only feeds Ronnie's neglected-attention-seeking-man-child status by running to check on him after he tells her "I hate you so much because I love you.You realize that?" While this episode does offer glimpses of the sad child that failed his tests in grade school, he eats dinner with his shirt off. 

Vinny is a tricky one this episode. While he was awesome and yelled "I am Caesar!" at the club he also said: "Do we have a butterface flavor?" he asks after a less-than-gorgeous girl leaves the Gelato shop. At least he didn't say it to her (butter)face.

Mike and Pauly just looked on in vague disgust at Ronnie's antics, so that's got to count for something, right? Maybe it's life in M.I.A but my faith in men is dwindling.

The ladies on the other hand were far more proactive. Snooki channeled her rage into breaking plates and kicking Emilio to the curb after he drunk dials her to inform her that he "fucked some girl". He then calls back to tell her it was a joke. Hiiiiiiiillllllllllllllarious Emilio. My love for JWOWW grew deeper as she replied to Emilio over the phone "We have about twenty fucking beautiful six-foot-four guys outside our doors. While you’re fucking the nasty bitches out there, I’m sure Nicole’s going to get it in down here ... At the end of the day, you’re just a loser as it is, and you're a drunk skank with no job, so get it through you fucking head, all right?" I. Love. Her. You should be able to hire her to tell people off in your own life. I really believe she's that good. I am unfortunately taking points away from them because instead of simply telling Sammi that Ronnie is a drunk skank they write an anonymous letter at a cyber cafe:

The first night at Bed when you left crying, Ron made out with 2 girls and put his head inbetween a cocktail waitresses breasts. Boing. Also he was grinding with multiple fat women.
When you left crying at Klutch, Ron was holding hands and dancing with a female and took down her number.
Multiple people in the house know, therefore you should know the truth.

"We say tits, not breasts, so she probably won’t know it’s us," according to Snooki.

Oh my loves,  have you seen Sammi's vacant stare? You're assuming she can read! And while she won't put the dots together it's so much better to tell her to her face. All Angelina did in this one is look sneaky as fuck in this episode so my guess is she'll spill the beans or pit people against each other. It's in the Slut Shark's nature.

Alex's Rating: 3 Butterfaces out of 10
Brendan's Rating: 10 absentee writers out of 10

Friday, October 8, 2010

"I think Victoria should have kept this one a secret"

Toronto's answer to a question no one asked:

Jersey Shore-A-Thon to be continued after we shower off the reminents of these four episodes. Look for Brendan's blog about episode 4 in the mean time.

"Unfortunately, our fun conflicts with your fun"

Episode three or the one in which Vinny and Snooki "smoosh"... much to Brendan's relief.

I began this episode with querying where the eff is Snooki's boyfriend? Surely any man would not let his alcoholic girlfriend go to M.I.A. all by her lonesome. Where are the constant phone calls? The obsessive checking ins? Maybe Sammi's rubbing off on me but this shit in Denmark ain't right.  Luckily Emilio makes a reappearance towards the ends of the episode via phone call which Snooki end in knocking over a table, hanging up on him and snuggling with Vinny. To wit, while in bed Snooki delicately asks "Wanna fuck?" to which Vinny replies "Sure." Fathers in America you must be so proud.

On to the less fun characters. They all start working under the dictator Enzo at the Gelato shop. Gelato is what happens when Italians try to make ice cream. Actually, Enzo seems like a pretty sweet guy. Waaaaaaaay better than any of the other guys on this show (except Vinny - Brendan) but heaven forbid anyone have to do any work. So they make desperate attempts to play up comic moments. The only one that really works is when the Situation takes off his shirt and hangs around the front of the shop like a pedophile trying to entice Hansel and Gretal to come into his ginger bread house. ("which is the name for a red-head's box" - Brendan)

Sammi and Ron have united in one thing. For the first time in Brendan's life a woman groaned at the same time as him, but it was more in disgust at the antics on screen than anything else. So there. Also Ron gets so drunk at a club he tries to face-fuck her. Which she turns down. This is the first time we've seen Sammi show any semblance of back-bone so, y'know... there's that too. Then she goes home and cries. Which really shouldn't be as funny as it is.

Angelina continually asserts that she's the bigger person yet it takes the smallest person in the house pulling her aside (Snooki) and telling her she's not to be invited along to the nail shop or whatever the fuck it is they do.

The Situation has yet to prove his reason for being in this season.

To sum up my feelings on this episode I will quote from the book of Angelina "I'm like really like upset."

Alex's rating: 6 visible camera men out of 10
Brendan's rating: 5 tits inserts floating in the hot tub out of 10

"Part of me loves you so much it's sickening"

Yes, Vinny. That title's for you. Why do I love you so much? Becuase you don't support no scrubs, you rush to help in every situation, your family features prominently on the show, and you say "that was awesome" at the sight of "boobies." I'm sorry I spelt your name wrong earlier. "I love you. I want to marry you. I think about you all the time." Truer words were never slurred.

Sam and Ronnie -- a romance for the ages. Personally, Ron Ron, I'd rather fuck a bucket of hair gel. There'd be less of a rash in the morning. But you, you dear sir, you take it to the next level. In a strange metaphor for their relationship, Ron Ron gets a tattoo becuase he wants to feel pain to express how he feels (Trent Reznor, take note). He ends up with a really fugly tat of a nun's hands busting through his skin, clutching the rosary, and praying for a third season. Fittingly, Sammi is there, whispering sweet nothings (e.g. "Even if we hate each other, I'll still be there" as that rash on your taint). Taint Rash Sammi. The sad scenes between these two felt like, to quote Alex, "an Eminem video." 3-way kissing! I tried that once in highschool. It ended in tears and an increase on my next orthodontics visit. We hate both of these hurtbags and want them to get eaten by a slut shark from M.I.A.

Side note: What kind of a swear word, with six asterix-do-hickeys, starts with an "M?" Molest-ar?

Side side note: they are living in a place called the Metropole. It sounds like Alex's pet name for my penis. Not that she has a pet name for my penis.

Jwoww is stepping up her agression with that shit show Angelina.... like, personality, like disorder, and like stuff. Like. I hate this biddy. Like, a lot. And, like, she totes limp wrist slapped Pauly D. After saying "I love you. I want to marry you. I think about you everyday." And then snotting on herself. She's pretty much every random creepers worst nightmare. Who turns around after making out and says she wants to have your abortion? After Pauly D was busted dancing with a married girl, Alex said, sadly and mostly to herself, "I think I stopped believing in romance." Then she started slapping me and asking why I never bring her flowers anymore.

The others were there, also.

Alex's rating: 5 Jwoww's best friend J420 out of 10
Brendan rating: 9 cigarettes in the hot tub out of 10

I think this means me and Alex are looking for different things in life.

"I feel like a pilgrim from the 1920s"

1 down... so many more to go.

Brendan and I are already getting squeamish at entirely different points in the episode. When Ron makes out with 2 girls at once B looks on in awe I cower against the overly plush couch. Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww.

To begin the kids set out from Snowmaggedon to the sunny Shores (geddit?) of Miami. In the wasteland that is now Jersey Snooki's boyfriend sprays her in the face with self tanner, which is genius. Apparently, she's resorted to self tanner via her bf because Obama has imposed a tanning tax. Which makes her a "birther". Look it up.

Everyone arrives at the house and reacts in shock and horror upon Angelina's return. Which Brendan buys for some reason. Yes Brendan, this is a completely non-scripted Situation (geddit?). What are you doing your Masters in Creative Writing or something? Well, he is but probably at York (shudder...)

In any event, the chillin's decide to go clubbing after some Ron Ron juice gets on Sammi's white shorts which surprisingly has nothing to do with semen. Sammi gets increasingly creepy and weird which, lesson learned for myself, don't live with an ex boyfriend. You wind up killing people. WITH YOUR SMIZE. Pauly D seems to be narrating everything like a Greek Chorus and everyone else gawks at everyone left over. It's weird.

Alex's Rating: 8 camera mugs out of 10
Brendan's Rating: 7 Ron Ron Juice on his white shorts out of 10

Great Expectations

Everyone knows sequels suck (We've already disagreed on Empire Strikes Back), but here's some of our questions going into season two.
Someone will get anal warts on their face?
How many drunk chicks will bone to get on camera?
Will fame change them? Do you they still do their own laundry?
Pickles--so last season?
Who will be the most tanned?
Sammi and Ronnie--how awkward is that?
Why does Brendan love Vinnie so much, and isn't that kind of gay?
Why does Alex love Vinnie so much, and isn't that kind of warm and fuzzy? P.s. J-Woww is pretty aight.
Will Fist Pumpin' be the new sex move?
Will The Situation have a purpose/discuss his stripper background?
Will Snookie's novel feature prominently in a storyline?
Pauly D--what the fuck?
Will Angelina last more than two episodes?

Many truths will be revealed...

FYI - We are trying to follow along with the JS drinking game on this website: